I can’t give you what you want. I can’t even give myself what I want.

There’s just nothing I can do right and I feel so bad but no matter what I’m always messing up. Everyday the only thoughts that run threw my head are ’ you are not good enough, you will never be good enough, what are you still doing here kill yourself no one could ever love you the way you are, your fat lose weight cow, and even if you did lose the weight no one could ever love you because of your face and the marks you left on your body, just stop trying, your crazy, look in the mirror, your gross, what don’t you just pick up the knife slice open both your wrists and let the red of your blood drain your body and soak your sheets, no one would miss you anyways, the kids at school think your fat and gross and annoying anyways so just stop, your family hates you, your friends hate you, strangers hate you, you hate you everybody hates you, just leave’ I really just wish I could fill my head with these happy beautiful thoughts like normal people. But I not normal right? Nor will I ever be normal. Or thin, or pretty, or happy, or kind, or like able or any of those thing that people look for in a person. That’s too bed really because I’ve always hoped and dreamed and wished I would marry a man who could always love me, a man who would look forward to seeing me after a long day a man who would want to hold me and smell my wait as I blabbed on about whatever , a man who would yearn all day to see me, to touch me, to make love to me, to tell me how much he loves me and all the wonderful things about me. And in exchange I could touch him, love him, listen to him. But that’s all just a fairy tail and for now I am stuck at home with parents who hit me, siblings who hate me and a horrible town that knows everything about everything, so let’s hope just for now I can keep my therapy self hatred and happy pills on the down low. Or at least until tomorrow when my mom get drunk again and starts calling all her friends and telling them all the private personal things people trust her with. Joy .

I swear to god my life is some kind of sick joke
Walk away

They saw again. They know I haven’t stopped. They can’t do anything about it though. It isn’t even any of their business. I wish they would just leave me alone and walk away.